Sunday, April 25, 2010
Grief and anger
I have been quite a bit under the weather lately.
Weekends are especially hard. This weekend was especially hard.
I spent most of my Saturday crying - I have to thank my sister for taking me out in the afternoon and wasting some time chatting with me on the phone last night.
I had a panic attack last night - the first one in about two years. I knew what to do, but it's not a pleasant situation nonetheless.
And I have serious problems in eating proper meals - especially at night, I am not hungry. I got sick on Fri morning while at the synthesis reactors, but was able to finish my work there, come out, and then a colleague looked at me and had me eat something, right there.
Tomorrow I'll have something similar to do, I am praying I'll be able to get some decent night sleep tonight, and finish my breakfast tomorrow without feeling nauseous.
It all comes from a sad discovery. My (now) ex-bf waited for me to get out of his apartment to immeditely start dating another girl. When confronted, he said she's noone important - which I can even believe, if it wasn't for the whole attitude - you are out, I am now free- which hurts me.
I am so tired of feeling so sick for him. I'd like to cancel the last three years of my life. I am so sad and angry I cannot even explain it. I am not able anymore to sit and study music without start crying. I don't love the things I used to love. Spring is here, but I only whish I could go to sleep 'till next fall.
It's not the first time I have been in this situation - but somehow, every time it hurts like the first time.