Sunday, April 25, 2010

Grief and anger

I have been quite a bit under the weather lately.
Weekends are especially hard. This weekend was especially hard.
I spent most of my Saturday crying - I have to thank my sister for taking me out in the afternoon and wasting some time chatting with me on the phone last night.
I had a panic attack last night - the first one in about two years. I knew what to do, but it's not a pleasant situation nonetheless.
And I have serious problems in eating proper meals - especially at night, I am not hungry. I got sick on Fri morning while at the synthesis reactors, but was able to finish my work there, come out, and then a colleague looked at me and had me eat something, right there.

Tomorrow I'll have something similar to do, I am praying I'll be able to get some decent night sleep tonight, and finish my breakfast tomorrow without feeling nauseous.

It all comes from a sad discovery. My (now) ex-bf waited for me to get out of his apartment to immeditely start dating another girl. When confronted, he said she's noone important - which I can even believe, if it wasn't for the whole attitude - you are out, I am now free- which hurts me.

I am so tired of feeling so sick for him. I'd like to cancel the last three years of my life. I am so sad and angry I cannot even explain it. I am not able anymore to sit and study music without start crying. I don't love the things I used to love. Spring is here, but I only whish I could go to sleep 'till next fall.

It's not the first time I have been in this situation - but somehow, every time it hurts like the first time.


Leanna: said...

Oh dear, I'm so sorry to read this and realize I have stayed away to long from your blog and keeping in touch.
I'm terribly sorry that someone you cared deeply about proved so unworthy of you.
Do let yourself's the only way to grow past the pain.

Kelly said...

Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry you have to go through this. With what he did, it's little wonder that you're feeling so crappy. I don't know what I could say that would make this in any way better for you, but I'm sorry to hear what you're going through and I'll be thinking of you.

chiara said...

Thanks girls. You are so levely, and just reading your words makes me feel better...


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